Ah, Life!

This is something that I wrote for Facebook a few years ago. I find that it still resonates so much with where I am now and where I want to go. I still don't know. What I do know, is that with grace, mercy and love, I will find my way!

I walked out of work and hopped on my bike to the bus stop. As I typically do on this bike ride, I thought about life, particularly my own and asked, “What are you doing?” What am I doing and do I keep on until something else comes along? What is right or good (depending on which leads to a virtuous life)? How can I make a difference in the world without becoming so caught up in the politics of any situation? How can I help?

It has been a week and I have no answers. Actually, I should say it has been a year, perhaps two. However, something happened this day. I did not find answers to my existential questions; I found peace. To me, fall is the best time of year, particularly October is the most beautiful of all the months. The days are still warm, but there is the faint winter chill in the air. There is something so tranquil about October which brings me back to my peace I found amidst the existential chaos of my soul.

After my bike ride, I start taking long gulps of air and water; I replaced the cap on my bottle and began to breathe in my surroundings. There it was! It was a smell, a feeling, a time everything perfectly collided in a beautiful moment giving me chills and calm. That was it, autumn was here.

I love October for this reason. The day is so hot you think summer will persist… forever. But then, at precisely 6:47 pm, there is that perfect moment in the universe where stars align, smells, feelings and temporal states become perfectly matched and the world is at peace.

I suppose I am so attached to this moment, this feeling because where I am in life, like summer, will change into something beautiful and right. I am okay with that. I know that 6:47pm in October will stay around for a while and return in the midst of chaos when I need it again.


Now, that October is over, I fear that feeling of tranquility has ended and will not come back around for another year. However, I found it again and am discovering that this feeling can exist in many forms. This time, it came from a hot tub, tea and a good friend. I still don’t know where I am in the universe, but I feel better about the black abyss looming ahead of me.

I sat in the hot tub with my hot lavender tea, and thought… my future is like this hot tub, the water is peaceful, unmoving prior to turning it on, however, isn’t a hot tub more relaxing when the water is chaotic and bubbles are going everywhere? Whenever you step in, the peace is disturbed and you feel very uncomfortable. The heat is borderline unbearable and the bubbles smack you annoyingly in the face. But, non one turns away because everyone knows that from this once uncomfortable experience comes something completely relaxing and utterly peaceful. This is life. Life is good, peaceful and understood, but then the bubbles kick in smacking you annoyingly in the face, and, along with the heat, make for an uncomfortable beginning. However, you persevere and make it to where uncomfortable and borderline painful becomes peaceful and somewhat relaxing.

Likewise with life, each person handles amount of heat and bubbles differently. There those who thrive in full bubble power and 103 degree heat. Then there are those who can only handle lower temperature and lower bubble power, and they can only handle placing one foot at a time in the hot tub. I’m a different variety. I want to leap in, I want the full power, but I am so unsure that I either don’t go in at all or I become complacent in just placing one foot at a time. And then, cue the good friend, who makes you go in all the way, all while laughing and enjoying yourself. They then offer you your favorite tea to cushion the blow. I’m thankful for that friend and others like her and am getting ready for the heat and bubbles. Such is life!