The movie is loosely based on historical, Russian events (loosely, very loosely), however that is not the important part of the movie. It is about life being a journey and the ability to journey on no matter the obstacle. Above all, it is about love seeing us through to the end; about how important it is to have a support system, whether in family or friends, colleagues or medical professionals, teachers or students, or in a community of faith, support systems are necessary.
I was thinking about this particular song as I read through several books about postpartum depression and psychosis. The underlying cause of postpartum depression turning deadly tends to be due to a support system collapse or malfunction. In reading Kathleen Kendal-Tackett, along with a few other authors, if only the medical support had been there in the beginning; if only the symptoms were regarded as serious and NOT regarded as, "Oh, you'll be fine in a few days." While that may be true some of the time, some of the time it is not. The world of postpartum tragedy is full of "if onlies".
How does this relate to my journey? I have heard so many clients and friends tell me that they did not have the birth they wanted. Most of the time, the issue was loss of control in a situation. Things were not explained, and the mamas were left feeling like failures. Which, added to increase in hormones, creates a swampy breeding ground, full of depression mosquitoes waiting to eat at the person. It is an ugly place. My journey is to find beauty in that awful place. Learning from my clients what they felt was their trigger, so that, when I become a midwife, I will be able see symptoms as they present themselves and not after the fact when psychosis takes hold. I want to start at the beginning with the client, help them have the birth they want, cushion them if it does not work the way they want, let them know that it is not a moral failing to do something differently, and to encourage talking, even when feelings lead us to that ugly place. I want to show my clients love through the obstacles and that depression is a journey; not a fun journey, but one we will take together.
I fully believe that without the support of my mid-wife, my Mom and my husband, Brett, I would have been in that dark place with Jackson. I had the birth I wanted, but I struggled with breastfeeding. I felt like a failure because I could not produce milk for my baby and he dropped from 8 lbs. 4 oz. to 6 lbs. 13 oz.; scary. I was devastated and cried every time I nursed him. I cried every time I talked about how his nursing was going. I cried before and after every pediatric visit. I cried each time some insensitive person would decry his low weight and then tsk when I would tell them what he started at. I cried a lot. I was also angry. I had done my homework, I had read the literature, I had taken a class, I was very prepared. I was so angry that my body was failing me; that I was failing me. But, I had a support system in place. My mid-wife and Mom, guided me as I nursed, Brett gave Jackson bottles so that I could adequately rest, and I was reassured that supplementation of formula was just FINE! Four months later, we were a happy, nursing duo and supplement free! It was a lot of work to get to that point, but with the help of my support system, I made it. Kennedy nursed beautifully and slept wonderfully well, and my dark place has not resurrected itself. I want to help other women do the same, to be able to stay away from the swamp and mosquitoes, and to live in peace with the decisions that must be made. Life leads to some dark places, but the journey does not have to end there.
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