You Can't Always Get What You Want

 

I stopped running. Because of this, I feel like I've stopped a lot of other things too. I've stopped writing and I've stopped waking early to spend time in quiet, with my coffee to think and write. I've lived vicariously through Facebook; running each run mentally with my runner friends, and then feeling emotionally depleted after each race I read about. If anyone ever doubted the addictive-ness of running, I am here to tell you that it is absolutely the most addictive thing I have ever done.

I finished the marathon, with a dislocated hip, IT band syndrome, 2 fractured metatarsals and the possibility of needing surgery on my hip. Instead of being grateful for finishing AT ALL, I was bitter. I was bitter that I didn't make the time I wanted, bitter that I hurt myself so close to the finish. Every time another runner passed me, I became more and more bitter. I was being extremely selfish. I kept trying to make my legs run, but they quit on me. My mind said, "Go, go faster!!" My body, however, had other thoughts, telling me, "Slow down, just slow down."  My biggest regret was not slipping on that banana peel that landed me in the predicament in which I currently find myself, but how I was thinking. Running, for me, was always my moment of zen. I could free myself of the world and get lost. I could run with my running partners and get lost in conversation. I could do any number of things, but I could NOT beat myself up. That was my rule. I broke that rule and keep breaking it, to this day I keep breaking it.

This morning, I decided (mostly because the time change has screwed up my internal alarm) to wake up and write. I have so many things happening in my head and to my body, that I need an outlet. This is my outlet and I had forgotten it. In talking with friends and the rector at church, this injury that I felt was so extremely devastating, is a teachable moment. In this time, I have rested more than I ever have. I haven't gone into work as a doula (a night-shift position) in several weeks and my body is so grateful. I finally got rid of bronchitis that plagued me for 4 weeks and my body is healing. I am resting and I am physically better.

If I had things my way, I would have qualified for the Boston Marathon through my first marathon. I would have not become injured. I would have continued life as it was. Busy. Always busy and too exhausted to take care of myself. Today, I am so grateful that I can't always get what I want, but I always get what I need. I may not appreciate it at the time, but hind-sight being what is, I always get what I need. When I couldn't be mentally reminded that my expectations of myself are exceedingly high, I got what I needed in the form of physical limitations that bull-dozed those expectations. I have had to accept help from family, friends and church family. I never do that sort of thing. I take care of MYSELF and MY FAMILY. Here's a secret though, I wasn't really as present as I could have been, I was not taking care of anyone, especially when I was ignoring myself.

I will get back to running, but I have learned my lesson. When I'm sick, I need to just be sick and nothing else. When I'm hurt, I need to be hurt and nothing else. It is hard to balance this with 2 kiddos, but when my focus needs to be on getting better, I have to find that balance, accept help that is offered, and, most importantly, ask for the help that I need. After all, I might find that sometimes, I get what I need.